Men Have Called Her Crazy

Content Warning: This section of the guide includes discussions of suicidal ideation, addiction, gender discrimination, and emotional abuse. 

“Suicidal thinking as an adult felt so much different than it had as a teenager. As a teen, it was about revenge. I wanted people to be sad I was dead. As an adult, I was not worried about anyone else. I just wanted an exit.”

Tendler demonstrates self-awareness as she describes the differences between her feelings of suicidal ideation at various periods of her life. The contrast between her desire for revenge as a teenager and her desire for escape as an adult highlights the shift in how she understands and processes her pain. The diction of “exit,” however, underscores the emotional numbness and isolation Tendler still feels in adulthood.

“THE PEOPLE YOU’RE SO GRATEFUL FOR LOVE YOU, AND YOU’RE FILLING THEM WITH A PAIN SO INTENSE IT FEELS LIKE DEATH. YOU’RE CREATING A TORNADO OF DESTRUCTION WHERE EVERYONE LOSES SOMETHING.”

Tendler describes her experience attending Al-Anon before reacting in her mind strongly to the experiences of her fellow Dalby House women, many of whom have struggled with substance abuse disorder. Though Tendler never explicitly mentions her ex-husband John Mulaney by name in the text, he has been vocal about his experience with substance abuse disorder. This reaction is an indirect reference to him. In it, she employs the metaphor “a tornado of destruction” to describe the chaos and emotional harm addiction causes. The hyperbolic phrase “pain so intense it feels like death” further underscores the emotional weight’s intensity.

 “My life feels like it’s falling apart. Everything I thought I knew about my world is unraveling, and I feel powerless to stop it. I don’t know how I’m ever going to feel better. Some days I feel utterly hopeless. My wish for myself is that one day I’ll reach a place where I can face hardship—because I fear the worst is still to come—without trying to destroy myself.”

This dialogue reflects Tendler’s first time sharing her feelings in Dalby House after the AA guest speaker gives a talk to the women. Tendler’s hopelessness feels visceral and out of control, evidenced by phrases such as life “falling apart” and the world “unraveling.